Confessions....

Well, proud to say I've snapped outta it...the frustation thing i meant.

I mean hell, why did I drag my sorry ass just to fell sorry about myself and do nothing about it?? I mean, you guys were right, I much more to live for than just being frustated. I use to not be like that. Oh Gawd....what is happening to me??!!!!

Hmm, gotta say that I have changed a lot....

Last time, i used to be noisy, jabbering endless nonsense, finding comfort in people's laughter, finding comfort in noise. I would feel awkward and uneasy if there silence hung over the air, like an itch, urging me to scratch it with my "crap"...oh yeah, that's how i got my name. maybe it's because when i crap and my buddies laugh, i feel secured....feel needed, having this sense of purpose is what i fueled my life with. And now that my jap friends don't understand my jokes, I feel...down. Funny, I've never thought that my friends laughter mattered so much to me..

But, when I came to Japan, I....with no reason at all, felt the need to change, and since I am in a new place where no one knew my old self, what better place to do that? Anyway, I became a total opposite of myself, yes....that means don't talk much unless spoken to or if i have stuff that needed to be said. Now, i find comfort in silence. I look at my jap buddies who's doing the very same thing i did last time, and i would think...."Damn, that-is-c-h-i-l-d-i-s-h!" . But then again.....sometimes my old self would crawl back up and I'll be that ...."hey, have you heard that stupid joke??" ...good old Ketam. I had this switches very often, till I don't know what am I suppose to be actually! I find silence very welcoming but sometimes crave noise.

Sigh...is it because I can't connect very well with guys who still play yu-gi-oh after school till it's dark, guys who make funny antics in front of everyone, guys who plays PSP in class during lectures. Well, can't blame me for growing up right?
Or is it because it's autumn. You know, when it's autumn, it's very very cold (i'll exagerate it beyond borders next time).....and to add to the misery is the dying trees. Trees here practically bleed their lifes out (leaves turning red) until the are all dried out and they shrivel and fall unceremoniously to the cold unwelcoming ground. My lects in M'sia used to say that Japs film sad dramas most during autumn and winters.....is it really affecting me as well??
Plus....the Oh gawd bless the boring lectures i have. They still teach SPM level stuff....like today for example. They taught Young's double slit and Friction today....Well, J.C, no, not Jesus Christ, it's Jeremy Cheong. He told me i should take up something else for a challenge. Yeah i did, been doing programming all along.....but what to do during classes?? WHAT??? As bored as I am, I don't have the heart to be rude to my lects by reading comics or play PSP.

But what I really suspect is that...I left my heart in M'sia when I flew here. I had wonderful friends, and they all treated me soooo nice that I actually miss them all soooo much, and refused to move on with life. Refuse...to let them go, refuse to replace them, refuse to open my heart and take in any new ones. Man, I really need to change....

So....what happens to me now? I now plan to smile at them dead trees, and live my life as it is. So what if I'm a lil' quiet right now? I have enough friends....at least I think so. I mean I don't shun social life or not approach strangers in a party, but just....I think I'll just leave the old "Ketam" alone for a while. Have to accept the fact that people change in time. Have to accept the fact that I'm in a different environment....have, to move on. No point feeling frustated with the beautiful life awaiting me.


PS:
Sigh....I guess that this, like the last blog entry, would probably worry my girl friends(female friends) in PPKTJ who's coming to Japan next year. But girls, rest assured, this is just me. This kind of shit won't happen to you. So, don't worry too much and concentrate in getting yourself here first. All the best of luck for your exams.