Yet another choice in life...

I was sitting in the bullet train heading home after a presentation at a joint research facility. To summarize it, it was well received...along with the usual “Would you like to work for us after you graduate?”

Anyway, as I heading back home on a snowy night, I started reflecting back on my life so far. Maybe it’s because it was the end of my long one year’s work, maybe it’s because my 26^th birthday is approaching(Getting older!!), or maybe it’s because my seniors are graduating and going away…what ever the reasons are, it is at this times where I rewind.

I was thinking to myself, “It’s been 6 long years since I left Malaysia, and god damn it I’ve come a long way!!”

I can never forget that day on New Year’s Eve as I sat on a flight of stairs at Dataran Merdeka, Malacca, pondering about my future as I watched the fireworks light up the skies. 

One lone spark of light bursting into a thousand possibilities.

I just graduated from high school that year and it was as if I was that firework, shot up bright and proud into the dark of the night...and I've risen to a point where I was about to burst, was about to decide what I want to do for my future. Well, at that point, it was a tough choice of either private college or the local university, and what major to go into.

Guess what? My spark ended up lighting the skies thousands of miles away.

Until today, I can never figure out what was it that truly drove me to apply for overseas studies…much less the reason for choosing Japan. I’ve been asked many times by many people about why I chose to come to Japan, and in response, I’ve given many answers…none of them real.

 My answers had a wide range of “could be true stuff”

• Wanting to learn a new language

• Malaysian cartoons are boring and that a country that could create Doraemon must be one hell of an interesting place, where the mind is free to imagine and create

• Want to see how is it that Tokyo is rebuilt by Thursday 5p.m each week after Ultraman destroys the city

• Sexy legs in mini skirts (Again, not a valid reason, but I’m glad I chose Japan. I can’t get enough of them!!)

• Naked fat guys grabbing each others tits, namely sumo….WHY???

• The all famous “Japan have greater technology than Malaysia, and I’m going over to learn so that one day I’ll be able to help progress Malaysia”…I’m actually ashamed when I had to say that. 

I don’t think there’s ever a real reason to why I chose to come to Japan. Just like what The Joker said in The Dark Knight,

“Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I’m a dog chasing cars. I wouldn’t know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just…do things.”

After 6 years of living in Japan, I’ve come to know my true value, my strength…and recently, my weakness. I’ve met people who made me laugh, made me angry and made me cry. I’ve met people I’ve grown to respect, and I’ve met people I just want to slap. Oh, if I only had the chance…I would spread my legs a little, throw my right arm back, tense my muscle and then deliver one powerful slap that goes “thwack!!”

Well, what I’m trying to say is, going abroad have really taught me a lot about myself, especially about my weakness, and more importantly, to admit my own weakness. I gotta admit that I am a somewhat proud guy…always believing that I’m strong, that I can solve problems on my own, and that I’m above emotional setbacks. The event that led me to finally admitting that I’m weak destroyed whatever illusions I have about strength. It left a huge scar in my heart, a reminder that will forever haunt me. A harsh lesson, but a lesson to remember.

 

Thinking back, there weren’t many who supported my decision of coming to Japan. My family, some of my friends, my teachers…they all had a reason to why I should not choose Japan or why I should consider other country. Well, I’m really glad I ignored all the advices. Sometimes, you just have to know when not to listen….risky stuff though.

To be able to learn about oneself is truly valuable...for that reason, I'm really glad I chose to come to Japan.

Now, I stand once more at a point where I have to make yet another big decision: To go back home or to stay after graduation. My parents want me back, my friends are expecting me back, former Prime Minister Dr. Mahathir’s son, Mukhriz Mahathir told me Malaysia hope I’ll be back…but Japan have taught so much and I feel like there’s more to learn!!

So I guess I’ll stay a little while longer.

I promise I’ll “visit” Malaysia someday…haha

恋をしていない時間も、大切にしてください。

相手に届かない気持ち、
すれ違うお互いの気持ち。
どんなに想っていてもうまくいかない
「恋」もあります。
自身をなくして落ち込んだり、寂しさに
戸惑うこともあるでしょう。
でも、そんな時だからこそ、
もてる時間があります。
今まで、相手のことばかり考えていた毎日が、
自分のことを見つめる時間になる。
その時になって初めて、自分の弱さや、
周りの人の優しさに気がつくのです。
一つの恋を終えたばかりの人も、
今が、あなたにとって大切な時。
自分自身と正面から向き合える、
素敵な時間なのです。

変わらずに、あり続けること。


電車の中に読んだものです。
この詩、いい！！！
泣きそうでした～ (´＿｀｡)

Farewell Choi Choi!!

Woke up in the morning as usual at 7 a.m.
The morning air was still cold and I felt great reluctance to leave the warmth of my bed. I spent 5 more minutes in bed mustering all the willpower I had and was finally able to kick away my warm blanket. With my shivering hands I pulled back the curtains to allow sunlight into my cold, dark room.
It was raining slightly outside..."damn, looks like I have to take the bus to campus today" I thought to myself.

After that was all routine. The same thing everyone does in the morning, put the water to boil, take a shower, have breakfast with coffee...the same old mundane steps we each never fail to do in the morning.
The bus ride itself was a typical deja vu experience. The driver mumbling safety precautions, the old lady struggling to maintain balance while the bus moves, students with sleepy faces clinging on to their bags to their chests, which I'd imagine that they thought it was a pillow.
The bus once again reached the campus with haunting punctuality. Even after spending 6 years in Japan, it still fascinates me how the public transport system can be so efficient. Unless during winter when snow and ice are inevitable, the bus is never late for more than a few minutes.

I climbed the familiar stairs heading to my lab, hung my wet umbrella on the stand, took off my shoes and changed into my lab's flip flops. Then, I looked to the left, a habit I've developed over the past one year. I looked stupidly at the empty chair and dead monitor screen...and that's when I realized " Oh yeah...Choi choi's gone back home."
At that moment, I can't help but feel my heart cried just a little bit out of loneliness.

While the friendship that exist between me and Choi choi's was nothing special, we did enjoy each others company. I would poke fun at her with otherwise cruel remarks and she would come up with something funny or witty to say. Oh, the things she would say!!!
It was a tiny nothing, but it was something to look forward to in the mornings.

I still remembered the first time we met. I asked her for her impression towards me and she said "pervert, liar, bad guy, disgusting..." and I myself have said uncomplimentary things, both which was nothing good and quite childish now that I think about it. But it was based on those childish remarks that our unique friendship was built on.

While not many, we've shared quite a few fond memories. The weekly parties among foreign students, a triple date with Dino, Megumi, and a Japanese couple from Yamaguchi, the many times where I cause small quarrels between her and Dino, the time where she was assaulted and I helped her make a report....
Yeah...we definitely shared quite a few fond memories.

9 months or so have passed since she first came, and as they say "Fond times passes quickly". It was at last time so bid farewell to each other. I'm definitely most glad to have met her as she left a big splash of color on my life's canvas. Leaving a bright, vibrant color to my otherwise mundane life in campus.



I wish her all the best and I hope for all the good things to come.
Goodbye Choi choi!!

Learning how not to give a fuck...

This past 9 months have been a particularly interesting one.
I've been happy, sad, love, hate, confident and insignificant...all at the same time.

You see, I fell in love deeper than I've ever did in my life.
I had a wonderful girlfriend and we did almost everything together...she showed me a world so beautiful and full of happiness. I was actually happier than Barack Obama when he won the presidency.
Then she showed me how dark and cruel a girl can be.

We were happy with each other for about half a year, when suddenly, she started getting irritated about almost everything I do!! It's not like I changed suddenly or did anything outrageous...I walked the same, talked the same, acted the same. While we always had our private laughter between us, this time it was replaced with petty quarrels.
I knew from the start that we're different in personalities; I'm the kind of guy who celebrates human differences, she preferred uniformity. But we did do ok for most part.
Well, I guess you can say that I'm like the US while she's like the rest of the world, everyone using the SI system while I stuck to pound and inches.
Like oil and water, you can forcefully mix them up, but eventually the oil will float up again.
Needless to say, my eccentricity made her tired and our difference drove her away from me.

But what the hell...some things just aren't meant to be.
Just like Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson, can't manage to stay together...and they were both Sexiest Man and Woman of the year!!

After breaking up, all I wanted was for us to remain friends. But instead, I've got the cold shoulder...she downright ignored me at every moment possible. Not even a "hello" when we met again at a party one and a half month after "Armageddon".
I confronted her, asking her to not give me the cold treatment and let's just be normal friends...I mean, what the hell? We've known each other for so long and suddenly we can behave like friends no more??

She got angry and we got into a quarrel again.
The issue once again me being different from everyone else.
She was annoyed at me because of other people's misunderstandings. What the hell have other people's misunderstanding have got to do with me??

But I've always loved her...even after she broke my heart. Oh, who am I kidding...I worshiped her. And so I started to take her words very seriously and honestly thought that I'm the bad one...
I thought that my character really is fucked up and I started to hate myself.
I lost sleep, appetite and motivation to do anything at all...
To be very honest, I was going crazy(yes I loved her THAT much)...
The only thing that kept me sane was my few brief, but very important times spent with some friends. The other times when I'm alone, her words and my mind takes over.

Then, I came upon an ancient wisdom used by men since the beginning of civilization.
"Why worry? How about try not giving a fuck?"
I mean, she for one didn't give a fuck. She found a boyfriend a little too soon after the breakup(very very suspicious)....and nothing says "I don't give a fuck" more than that.

I've always been good to her...
I stayed up late at nights just to cook for her after she finishes work.
I made myself available whenever she faces work stress.
I've even decided to stay in Japan just to be with her. This was a pretty big deal to me...and making this decision was a really difficult one. (Interestingly, she left me just when I was about to begin job hunting.)
And yet she decided that she can't get over the little differences between us despite the things I've done for her. She let the small quarrels we had in a short time take over the good things I've done for her in a long time.

Aww fuck it, I'm done blaming myself. That's it. Enough.



I am who I am...I'm proud of who I am, and will forever be the way I am.

I would like to say a special thanks to a special friend Yumiko who stuck by me all the way.
Without her, I would have no doubt done something stupid.